‘Tis the season of daddy issues.
Santa Claus is hot, there I said it. While the rest of you were fawning over Justin Timberlake and Leonardo DiCaprio, I was writing letters to good ol’ Saint Nick. The man has it all: a cushy job, a custom ride, a signature look, and a killer beard. He also knows his way around a plate of cookies and milk, which is a plus in my book. Not to toot my own horn, but I’m something of a Santa connoisseur. Sometimes he’s a jolly old man with a belly like a bowl full of jelly. Sometimes, he’s a silver daddy. Sometimes he’s literally Satan in disguise. No matter what variety, he is always a stone-cold fox in a red velvet coat.
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Santa Knows If You’ve Been Bad or Good
If you’re like me and you appreciate a full-figured man on a mission to bring joy to the world, then climb on into my sleigh. Today, we’re putting aside the roughly 1,700-year age gap, and we’re exploring the North Pole together. Just remember, he sees you when you’re sleeping.
1. Kurt Russell (The Christmas Chronicles, 2018)
There was simply no way we could complete this list without Russell’s iconic Santa. The Christmas Chronicles leaned into the classic Santa look with a modern twist. With a mane of silver hair, a leather jacket, and the swagger of a rock star, this Kris Kringle was more Kris Kristofferson than mall mascot. You can’t convince me you wouldn’t sit on his lap and tell him what you want for Christmas.
2. Tim Allen (The Santa Clause, 1994)
I promise we’re going to get more obscure than this, but we’ve gotta get the heavy-hitters out of the way first. Also, for the moment, we’re casting aside the actors (and their political views) to appreciate the Scott Calvins of the world. As curmudgeonly and bad at parenting as Scott started, you can’t deny that he had quite the character arc. I admit that I’m not a big fan of the fat suit and the constant fat shaming. Regardless, the first movie was a glow-up for Scott Calvin, no matter how much he resisted it.
3. David Harbour (Violent Night, 2022)
I have a soft spot in my heart for David Harbour. That goes doubly for his depiction of Santa. This movie is chock-full of lines pulled directly from my Santa fantasies. Maybe it’s Harbour’s gravelly voice, or his man bun, or his sick tattoos, or the red leather jacket. Whatever it is, when Santa said he was gonna “eat through these guys” with a sledgehammer, I was paying attention. The scene where he bandages himself with wrapping paper!? It doesn’t get better than that.
4. Lil Rel Howery (Dashing Through the Snow, 2023)
Don’t worry, not every entry on this list is PG-13. Sometimes you can’t help but fall for a jolly old man with a twinkle in his eye. Rel plays Santa with a kind of warm, everyday charm that sneaks up on you. He’s funny, he’s genuine, and he feels like the kind of guy you could actually take home to mom. Now I just have to find a way to get around the pesky Mrs. Claus problem.
5. Ed Asner (Elf, 2003)
What can I say? Sometimes, your daddy issues are granddaddy issues. Ed Asner’s Santa has zero time for bullshit, which is a turn-on all its own. Gruff, practical, and clearly tired of babysitting Buddy, he radiates that “seen it all, done it all” energy. He’s the working-class Santa who clocks in, does the job, and still has time for a nightcap before bed. Rest in peace, Asner, you did Santa proud.
6. Richard Attenborough (Miracle on 34th Street, 1994)
Richard Attenborough did such a magnificent job in this role, he set the bar for Santas everywhere. Dignified. Magnetic. Twinkly-eyed with Shakespearean gravitas. Attenborough played Santa like he was auditioning for King Lear, and it worked. He had that cozy, grandfatherly thing going on, but with enough regality that you’d trust him with your heart. And your stocking. He also might have the best beard on this list, which isn’t nothing.
7. Danny Glover (The Naughty Nine, 2023)
Listen, when Danny Glover’s voice comes rumbling through as Santa, you sit up straight. He could tell me I’m on the naughty list, and I’d say thank you. Regal, wise, and giving us full-on daddy energy, this is the Santa you wish would take over at the family Christmas dinner when things get messy.
8. Alec Baldwin (Rise of the Guardians, 2012)
We have another Santa with tattoos. I repeat, we have another Santa with tattoos. Burly as hell, Russian-accented, and rocking more daddy energy than a woodworkers convention. That long beard, those dark bush eyebrows, and those tree-trunk forearms? Honestly, if you didn’t have a crush on North in this movie, I don’t trust you.
9. Mel Gibson (Fatman, 2020)
I apologise for this one, okay? Gibson is a regrettable choice on any hot list, but I’m just a simple gay. Rest assured, this decision is purely based on aesthetics. Grizzled, scarred, and looking like he just stepped out of a motorcycle gang initiation, his Santa was pure rough trade. Problematic? Yes. Hot? Also yes.
10. J.K. Simmons (Klaus, 2019)
Animated Santa, but make him broad-shouldered, soulful, and hot enough to split logs with his bare hands. Simmons’ voice gave Klaus this depth and sadness, while the design gave us a Viking daddy in a red cloak. He’s brawny, he’s tender, and I would split logs with that man any day of the week.
11. Bill Goldberg (Santa’s Slay, 2005)
A pro wrestler playing a murderous Santa? Peak camp. Goldberg stomped through this horror movie like a beefy fever dream in red velvet, and I was rooting for him the whole time. If Santa’s going to kill me, let it be this one.
12. Tom Hanks (The Polar Express, 2004)
Yes, the CGI is nightmare fuel, but let’s not ignore the voice. Tom Hanks brought baritone daddy vibes to Santa, and even in uncanny valley form, it’s hard to deny the magnetism. You know you’d still ride that train.
13. Edmund Gwenn (Miracle on 34th Street, 1947)
I’ve got to hand it to the OG daddy Claus, Gwenn captured our hearts, and he didn’t need muscles or tattoos. He had a twinkle in his eye and a timeless elegance that worked just as well. Sometimes hotness is about presence, and his was undeniable. Honestly? Smash.
14. Coca-Cola Santa (1930s–Today)
If you’re my age, this Santa was the harbinger of the holiday season. Maybe that says more about how commercialized Christmas already was in the 90s, but you can’t deny that Coca-Cola Santa is a bear icon. Round belly, rosy cheeks, always smiling. If you can look past the fact that he’s a mascot for a multinational corporation, you’re left with an image that’s basically Big Gay Christmas Energy. He’s the original billboard daddy, and honestly? He deserves his flowers.
15. Seth Rogen (Santa Inc., 2021)
Say what you want about the show, but Seth Rogen’s animated Santa had thicc energy. This Santa is for everyone with a bully kink. He was raunchy, sloppy, and very much a frat bro who inherited a sleigh. He’s not boyfriend material, but you can’t tell me he wouldn’t be fun at your office Christmas party.
16. Steve Claus (Arthur Christmas, 2011)
He’s not Santa, but he is Santa’s ambitious, sharply dressed son. He’s also in the running to become Santa, so it counts, okay? Every Claus in this animated classic has their charm, but there’s something about Steve. Voiced by Hugh Laurie, he’s tall, built like a chimney, and just a little too into himself. We can forgive the ego, though, especially when he looks that good in red camo.
17. Jack Black (Dear Santa, 2024)
Okay, technically, this Santa is actually Satan in a Santa suit. Sometimes a kid misspells Santa and accidentally summons the Prince of Darkness into their bedroom. But when Jack Black brings his chaotic daddy energy to the red velvet coat, it counts. He’s loud, unhinged, and unforgettable. Honestly, I’d let this Santa ruin my Christmas.
18. Brent Bailey (Target Holiday Ads, 2024)
Let’s be real: Target hired a GQ model and put him in a Santa suit. The ad is only 30 seconds long, but that was enough for me. Brent Bailey’s Kris K. is so hot it almost made me download the Target app. Almost. If every mall Santa looked like this, I would have one or two wishes for him every year.
19. “When Harry Met Santa” (Norwegian Post Ad, 2021)
Gay Santa! Gay Santa! This is the one that broke the internet. Tender, romantic, and canonically gay, this ad gave us the Santa love story we’ve always deserved. It’s sweet, it’s sexy, and it’s proof that sometimes the hottest Santa is the one who just wants to find love with a Norwegian guncle. He also pissed off the homophobes, which is always a plus.
20. Shonen Santa (Kyōran Kazoku Nikki, 2008)
Obscure anime Santa alert! If you’ve ever wanted your Santa to be unbelievably ripped with shōnen energy, this one’s your guy. File under: niche thirsts, but still valid. I wonder what Santa’s workout routine is like.
21. Jolnir, aka Santa (Avengers Assemble, 2015)
Did you know Marvel gave us a superhero Santa, because of course they did. It’s ridiculous, it’s over the top, and it’s exactly the kind of holiday crossover I want to see more of. Jolnir is a Frost Giant/Elf hybrid with immense magical power, a pure heart, and a pair of meaty biceps as big as my head.
22. Fighting Santas (Jingle All The Way, 1996)
Picture this. An entire warehouse full of sweaty men in Santa suits beating the crap out of each other. Oh, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is there too. Listen, you may say I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel here, but I can’t help it if child me held onto this image. It’s basically a leather bar Christmas fantasy, and that’s valid.
23. Craig Robinson (Santa in CeeLo Green feat. The Muppets MV, 2012)
We’ve officially reached niche Claus territory, but stick with me. I’ve had a chip on my shoulder ever since The Office denied Darryl the chance to don the red suit back in season 6. Thankfully, CeeLo Green and a room full of Muppets set the universe right. Just like Robinson himself, this Santa is cool, charming, and effortlessly hot.
24. Nick Offerman (as Pete in Bob’s Burgers, dressed as Santa, 2014)
Okay, so he’s not technically Santa, just a guy in a suit. And maybe I’m only including this because I love Bob’s Burgers and have a crush on Nick Offerman, but so what? This isn’t just some guy, it’s Pete. He’s the owner of The Junk Yard, a gay bar next door to the original diner. Honestly, that detail alone makes me think I’d have a shot with him. Well…if I were animated, anyway. A gay can dream.
25. Sumo Claus (Persona 4 the Golden Animation, 2014)
Leave it to anime to give us Santa with a body count. In a filler episode, the girls pop into a bizarre Christmas movie where Santa, also known as “Thunder Cross”, promises to paint the snow red with the blood of his enemies. Enter Sumo Claus: he’s shirtless, larger than life, and honestly kind of hot. He can body slam me any day.
26. James Earl Jones (Santa in Recess, 2001)
Is this a deep cut or just a bit unhinged? You’ve heard the voice. That deep, velvety rumble as Santa was pure daddy energy. Even animated, James Earl Jones could put you on the naughty list, and you’d thank him for it. Don’t lie.
27. Bear Santa (DuckTales, 2020)
Hear me out. You can’t tell me they didn’t know what they were doing when they drew this polar bear. Also, is it just me, or is he a little…you know.
Naughty or Nice?
So, what do you think, are these Santas naughty or nice? Personally, I would be happy if any of these Santas came down my chimney. I realize that I may have revealed too much here, but someone has to give it up for the holiday daddies. ‘Tis the season, after all.
