From Grimace to the Geico Gecko, these unexpected crushes prove that gay thirst has no limits.
Gay men are known for having taste. Sometimes that taste is refined and obvious, like swooning over Pedro Pascal or Henry Cavill. Other times, it’s chaotic and borderline pathological. This is where the Hear Me Out comes in. The Hear Me Out is not about who is conventionally hot; it’s about who unexpectedly awakens something inside you. They might be a mascot, a cartoon, or even an inanimate object. They are not the crush you admit to your mom, but they are the one you confess to your best friend at 2 a.m. after a few too many Moscow mules.
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Here are 30 of our most unhinged Hear Me Outs, organized by type. Read them, laugh, and maybe, just maybe, see yourself reflected in the madness. Disclaimer: This is obviously not meant to be taken seriously. Don’t worry, we’re not actually attracted to paperclips.
For the Twink-Lovers
The Geico Gecko
Yes, he is an insurance mascot, but at least he’s employed. He’s cheeky, he’s confident, and he’s got that British accent that makes everything sound just a little sexier. You just know he’d talk his way into your flat and convince you it was your idea. Plus, he’s slick, well-groomed, and always dressed in that polished green suit. Honestly, it works.
Kuzco
Self-obsessed, dramatic, and always ready to make an entrance, Kuzco is twink energy distilled into a Disney emperor. He’s also got a signature look; the perfect bob, turquoise earrings, and flowing red robes are a serve. He lives for attention, throws tantrums when ignored, and still manages to look hot while doing it. Also, he’s rich. Heck, I’ll take his Llama version too, there I said it.
C-3PO
Hear me out: he’s literally made of gold. Tall, shiny, and impossible to ignore, C-3PO looks like he was designed to catch the light on a runway. Sure, he’s anxious and fusses nonstop, but underneath all that panic is someone who just wants attention and affection. Also, call me crazy, but is he or isn’t he giving off blouse energy? I’ll see myself out.
Machop
Small but shredded, this short king is basically a gym twink come to life. He’s always flexing, eager to prove himself, and so proud of those little muscles. You know he’d follow you around the gym just to “spot” you, even when you’re not lifting anything heavy. There’s a cockiness to him, the kind that comes from knowing he’s stronger than he looks, and it somehow makes him even hotter.
For the Bear-Lovers
The Brawny Paper Towel Man
I wasn’t going to include this one since it feels too obvious, but then I reminded myself that I’m attracted to my paper towels, so here we are. The Brawny Man is tall, broad, and built like a proper lumberjack, always showing up in that perfectly fitted plaid. He has the arms to carry you and the domestic skills to clean up after, which is honestly a dangerous combination. The one downside? I’m pretty sure I’d be his dirty little secret.
Tony the Tiger
There was a reason I was always reaching for Frosted Flakes even though I was more of a Cocoa Krispies girl. Tony is huge, striped, and shredded, with the chest of a lumberjack and the arms of a heavyweight champ. He’s loud, confident, and the type to hype you up before, during, and after. You just know he’s grrrreat in bed.
Sulley
Do I honestly even need to explain this one? He’s got the build, he’s a nice guy, and he’s great with kids. Add in the horns, the voice, and the fact that he could throw you over his shoulder without breaking a sweat, and it’s game over. And let’s be real, with those teeth, I bet he bites.
Grimace
Okay, even I know this one is a hard sell, but hear me out. He’s soft, purple, and built like a giant cuddle toy. He may not be the brightest tool in the shed, but he’s here for a good time, and his suggestive shape does raise a few…questions. You know he’d keep you warm, make you laugh, and then forget why he walked into the room in the first place. And for the record, Uncle O’Grimacey can get it too.
Po
Soft, round, and built for maximum cuddles, Po has the kind of body you actually want to fall asleep on. He’s a great fighter, an even better eater, and somehow manages to make clumsy look hot. Add in that goofy Labrador energy and Jack Black’s voice, and suddenly the Dragon Warrior is looking like boyfriend material.
For the Otter-Lovers
Nick Wilde
Let’s be honest, this one barely qualifies as a Hear Me Out. Nick is sly, scruffy, and dangerously smooth-talking, with the kind of smirk that makes you want to get into trouble. He’s tall, lean, and always dressed sharp in that Hawaiian shirt-and-tie combo, which should not work but absolutely does. Truthfully, I could have made an entire Zootopia Hear Me Out list — Chief Bogo, Officer Clawhauser, Mayor Lionheart? I’ve got to stop myself before I end up on some kind of list.
Shaggy
Tall, lanky, and perpetually stoned, Shaggy is the definition of scruffy otter energy. You know he would share his Scooby Snacks, laugh at your dumb jokes, and then cuddle you on the couch while watching horror movies, peeking out from behind a pillow. He’s goofy, messy, and a little clueless, but that’s half the charm. Plus, you just know the man has bottomless munchies and would make you the best post-hookup sandwiches of your entire life.
Crash Bandicoot
Lean, scrappy, and constantly spinning out of control, Crash is the kind of wiry, chaotic crush who would keep you laughing and low-key worried the entire time. He’s Dorito-shaped, always shirtless, and rocking a cool mohawk with statement eyebrows that somehow work. He’s got that feral energy that makes you wonder if dating him would be a nightmare or the most fun you’ve ever had. Por qué no los dos?
Puss in Boots
Cute and sexy at the same time, Puss in Boots has that perfect mix of charm and swagger. He’s got the Latin sex appeal, the voice of Antonio Banderas, and an outfit so sharp it deserves its own credit. He can dance, he can duel, and he’s the kind of guy who flirts with everyone in the room and somehow gets away with it. Add in the fact that he has one of the biggest emotional arcs in any animated spin-off ever, and you can’t help but fall a little bit in love.
For the Daddy-Lovers
King Triton
Broad chest, flowing white beard, golden crown. He looks like he was sculpted out of marble and then dropped into the sea. He is powerful and commanding, but still a devoted single dad who somehow raised seven daughters on his own. The trident, the voice, the sheer presence, it is all working overtime. Truthfully, he would not even be a Hear Me Out if he were not half fish, but the tail just seals the deal.
Mufasa
That deep James Earl Jones voice could read you a grocery list, and it would still get my motor running. He is wise, protective, and powerful, with a mane that makes him look like royalty even though his palace is just a big lump of rock. He has the strength to take down an army, the patience of a true leader, and the kind of presence that makes you feel both safe and a little bit nervous. The truth is, he could dom you with a single glance. Also, is it just me, or is Zazu kind of…?
Captain Gantu
Captain Gantu has the build, the voice, and the presence of a true space daddy. Voiced by Kevin Michael Richardson, who is already such a daddy, Gantu’s every word rumbles in your chest. And those…mandibles? Intriguing, to say the least. He is strict, commanding, and just intimidating enough to keep you in line. His whale-like appearance somehow makes me feel safe, and I’m not ashamed to admit that.
Dennis
Leather, boots, and a motorbike. Dennis rides into the SpongeBob SquarePants Movie looking like he just came out of a Tom of Finland spread. He is ruthless, dominant, and the kind of leather-daddy bounty hunter who makes you want to disobey him just to see what happens next. The voice is deep, the mustache grows in an instant (jealous), and if the hanky code is anything to go by, he’s not here for small talk. Honestly, I would do anything he told me, and I would thank him for stepping on me while he did it.
For the Jock-Lovers
Kool-Aid Man
The Kool-Aid Man does not knock; he tears down walls just to be with you. That is athletic dedication and hospitality all in one giant pitcher. He is constantly asserting himself, never skips leg day, and has the stamina to crash through brick like it is nothing. Plus, he brings the juice any time of day. Loud, bold, and built like a tank, he is the jock who makes an entrance you cannot ignore.
Knuckles
Knuckles is the kind of jock who is only a few years away from being promoted to muscle dad. Voiced by Idris Elba, his deep baritone alone is enough to make me weak at the knees. He has that anti-hero energy, always moody and serious, never wasting time on boring optimism. The arms are thick, the jaw is sharp, and the vibes are pure sexy intensity. Plus, you know what they say about big hands?
Buzz Lightyear
Buzz Lightyear is plastic space jock realness with the jawline to prove it. That chin dimple could crack a nut, and paired with his broad shoulders and perfect smile, he is every bit the all-American boy next door. He has that eager Labrador energy, strong and loyal and always ready to throw himself into action, but without the toxic “will bully me for being gay” vibe. He even has a button that flips him into Spanish mode, turning him from golden retriever to smooth-talking flamenco lover in seconds. And the catchphrase says it all: he can go all night, to infinity and beyond.
Lurtz
Okay, I know I am crazy for this one, but hear me out. Once you get past the uh…goo, Lurtz is built like a tank. He is the first Uruk-hai, Middle-earth’s version of the roided-out gym bro, and the body is undeniable. We already know he has stamina, his pain tolerance is unbeatable, and that Uruk can fight through anything. Y’know, I bet I could change him. And honestly, I would love to see a Boromir rematch, but this time in the bedroom.
Machoke
If Machop is a twink, Machoke is a full-blown twunk. He is beefy, ambitious, and way too proud of his gains, the kind of gay gym bro who insists on flexing in every mirror. He walks in wearing a pump cover just so he can take it off dramatically, revealing a body he already knows you are staring at. Every rep is a performance, every flex is an invitation, and he is living for the attention. He is strong enough to toss you over his shoulder but cocky enough to make you thank him for it.
For the Nerd-Lovers
Clippy
Clippy has always given off nerdy sub vibes. He just wants to help, even when you never asked, and that kind of eager energy is hard to ignore. He is bendy, literally, which means he is more flexible than most of your exes. He clearly knows how to manicure his eyebrows, and there is a quiet confidence in that little paperclip curve. And if you think I am reaching, Google “sexy Clippy.” I dare you.
The Monopoly Man
The Monopoly Man is daddy meets nerd, and somehow it works. He is short, rich, and has been serving sugar daddy cosplay for over a century. He is hot despite being a billionaire, which is saying something. The whole Mandela effect monocle thing only adds to the mystery, like he is hiding something kinky in plain sight. And honestly, he could pass Go on me any day. Just don’t take him home to the family; that won’t end well, trust me.
Professor Utonium
Professor Utonium is the perfect mix of nerd and dad. He has an incredible jawline, smells like pipe tobacco, and is so smart that he literally made superheroes out of sugar. He is gentle and brainy, but still has the presence of a man who knows his way around the human body; scientifically speaking, of course. Plus, if you believe the fan theories, he might also be Samurai Jack, which is a huge plus in my book. And honestly, I just love a girl dad.
Wrapping It Up
From Grimace to Predator, from Mike Wazowski to the Geico Gecko, these Hear Me Outs are a reminder that gay thirst knows no limits. We see twink-coded Pokémon, bear-coded mascots, otter-coded stoners, and daddy-coded aliens, and we say yes. Love, lust, and chaos do not need to make sense; they just need to be fun. I encourage everyone who has made it this far to make your own Here Me Out cake with your friends. You may learn a thing or two you won’t be able to unlearn.
