Dictionary.com calls a pillow princess “a slang phrase that describes someone, usually an LGBTQ+ woman, who prefers to receive sexual stimulation more than giving it.” The dictionary reads the “pillow” half as a hint of passivity.
Green’s Dictionary of Slang, the scholarly reference, files it under “pillow” with a lesbian tag. Its definition reads “one of a couple who is happy to adopt the submissive/’feminine’ role.”
Pillow Princess Meaning in Lesbian Slang
Dictionary.com says the term is “traditionally used within the LGBTQ+ community and especially among queer women.” The same entry says it’s often applied to bisexual women and on women who are still exploring.
It describes what someone likes in bed, with nothing fixed about gender expression. Writer Gigi Engle called herself a “bonafide pillow princess” in a 2017 Marie Claire article, which Dictionary.com cites. Some people say it proudly about themselves.
Gabrielle Tazewell wrote in a 2023 explainer for Blavity that “the term can be both descriptive and slightly derogatory.” Plenty of people mean it as a complaint about a partner.
Where ‘Pillow Princess’ Came From in the 1990s
“Evidence for pillow princess appears as early as the 1990s in LGBTQ+ media about lesbian dating,” Dictionary.com writes. Nobody has pinned down who said it first.
The “princess” half is older. Green’s lists one slang sense of princess as “an effeminate and relatively youthful male homosexual or lesbian,” a queer use Dictionary.com dates to the 1960s.
Adam Downer of Know Your Meme wrote in a May 2023 guide that the term “originated in the LGBTQ+ community in the ’90s.”
Blavity’s Tazewell wrote that its origins “aren’t definitively documented.”
How the Term Crossed Into Straight Dating and TikTok
Dictionary.com says the phrase started showing up in heterosexual contexts in the 2010s, with men’s magazines using it for straight women seen as passive in bed.
“Memes about the archetype began appearing in 2019,” Downer wrote, adding that “the advent of TikTok helped the term reach a wider audience.”
Downer also wrote that the phrase “wasn’t always an insult.” Citing sex experts, he said it turned “more of a pejorative” in straight circles, where partners could feel shortchanged.
“Ain’t no pillow princess here,” one Twitter user wrote in March 2018, owning the label in a post Dictionary.com uses as a usage example. The same post granted the writer might be “the one receiving.”
Pillow Prince Meaning and Other Male Versions
“Although pillow prince is sometimes used as a male equivalent, it is not as widely used,” Dictionary.com says. A pillow prince is a man who prefers to receive.
Gay men mostly talk about tops and bottoms instead, and Gayety’s guide to gay slang collects more of that vocabulary.
Heterosexual women seen as passive sometimes get called a “starfish,” per Dictionary.com, a harsher word from straight slang.
Stone Top, Stone Butch and Stone Femme Explained
Green’s defines a stone butch as “a very masculine lesbian, who refuses to allow her partners to offer sexual advances.” Its earliest citation comes from a 1968 novel, J. Colebrook’s Cross of Lassitude.
A stone top sits at the far end from a pillow princess, someone who prefers to give. The “stone” appears to come from that older butch and femme vocabulary.
“She wrote the book Stone Butch Blues about the complexities of gender in 1993,” UPI reported when Leslie Feinberg died in November 2014. Feinberg’s novel carried the term to a much wider audience, and UPI reported that Feinberg preferred “she or zie” and “her or hir.”
Green’s also lists stone femme, “a lesbian who does not wish to be touched,” with a 1998 citation. “Stone top” doesn’t appear in Green’s or in Dictionary.com’s slang entry.
Downer wrote that “stone” and “touch me not” lesbians were part of a wider TikTok discussion in early 2022.
Is Calling Someone a Pillow Princess an Insult?
Dictionary.com says queer women use it in both positive and negative ways. A lot rides on who’s saying it.
Sex and relationship coach Catherine Drysdale told The Everygirl she has “reclaimed the term and redefines it as someone who loves to receive pleasure and feels worthy of receiving it.”
In Drysdale’s telling, receiving is an active choice. She told the site that “you are in the driver’s seat of your own pleasure, which means you’re in control of how you get yourself there.”
The Everygirl’s Tierra Harris noted that the label can imply passive women can’t be active partners, and that it can become a risk in coercive situations, where it gets used to pressure someone.
Green’s earliest dated citation for “pillow princess” is from 2018. Dictionary.com’s entry is dated April 9, 2018.
Green’s lists “stone butch” with a citation from 1968, half a century before “pillow princess” got its entry. Gayety’s lesbian flag guide traces the symbols lesbian culture kept alongside its words.
Pillow Princess FAQ
What Does ‘Pillow Princess’ Mean?
Dictionary.com says it’s “traditionally used within the LGBTQ+ community and especially among queer women,” for someone who prefers receiving sexual pleasure to giving it.
What Is a Pillow Prince?
Dictionary.com says the term “is not as widely used” as pillow princess. It means a man who prefers to receive.
What Is the Opposite of a Pillow Princess?
Green’s defines stone butch as “a very masculine lesbian, who refuses to allow her partners to offer sexual advances.” Stone top and stone butch both point to someone who prefers to give and may not want to be touched.
Is ‘Pillow Princess’ Offensive?
Blavity’s Tazewell wrote that it “can be both descriptive and slightly derogatory.” Many people use it about themselves with pride.
